What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

How far back into your childhood can your remember and what is your favorite memory of that time?

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

What is the reason behind some people wearing trunks instead of speedos when swimming in pools?

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

What is a good habit and what is bad one?

I had hoped to write a book about this .

I was seconnd youngest,

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

How often do you watch the news on TV?

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

What do you think of Andrew Tate?

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

She wouldn,t have been !

Why do people have polyamorous relationships?

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

I did it because my mum asked me too!

Is using tech to track or monitor your partner’s activities a sign of love, insecurity, or control?

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

He knew the spot.

How many trans people are lawful gun owners?

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

She married twice! .

At what stage in your life did you realize, "No, I can't do this any more" and walk out? Why?

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

What is it like to use a Fleshlight?

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

As i do to all so called friends.?

And i lived it daily.

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One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

My life is so biszare .

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

On the 31st of Jan this month .

Put me off passion for life!!

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

(And it was in our own minds.)

I have no regrets .

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

He resisted the act ,that day.

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

My family never makes their pension either.

Would this be the day?

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

But it wasn’t much.

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

Ive learnt so much.

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

When she asked me how she looked .

We all went to grammer schools

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

I will be 64.

Who then, do I blame.?

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

I write beautiful poetry .

We were not on the streets..

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

I was very sick at this time too.

They are buried together, in the same grave..

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

I said to her

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

It was going to be , some day.

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

Im dying but, im not bitter.

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

I know ,a lot about trauma.

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

This is how, and why children get BPD.

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

But, we were locked up after school.

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

I think the readers, may guess!

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

I waited trembling.

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

This is soul school!.

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

I couldn’t, believe it.

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

Where the ultimate outsiders.

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

She was in good health!

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

She loved him until the end.

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

I was 9 years of age.

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

So, i spoilt her more .

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

I could never make a relationship work though!

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

One cannot live in the past .

The only rule us 5 kids had .

Why did i forgive my father ?

He was dying to do it , i knew.

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

I don,t even have a pension.

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

Comes on , in middle age.

She found it foreign!.

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

Was to survive, this bastard.

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

I was scared of men, in general

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

But ive been too sick for many years..

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

And who doesn’t know suffering?

My mum and dad in the seventies!

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

Im still living with it.

So whats the point in blame.

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

Especially a lifetime of it.

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

What did i know ?

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

I never cut or harmed myself..

All the time i was locked up.

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.